# OCULAR REGULATION AND EYELID GOVERNANCE ACT 2019 ## (as amended by the Blink Frequency (Emergency Powers) Order 2022) --- > **IMPORTANT:** This is not real legislation. Please do not cite it in court. > Please do not cite it in an essay. Please do not cite it anywhere. > If you work in government and have found this via some internal search tool, > I am very sorry and also hello. Are you hiring? --- ### PART 1 — PRELIMINARY **1. Citation and Commencement** (1) This Act may be cited as the Ocular Regulation and Eyelid Governance Act 2019. (2) This Act came into force on a day the Minister cannot quite remember, which is fine because it doesn't matter because it isn't real. **2. Interpretation** In this Act — *"blink"* means the involuntary or voluntary closure and reopening of the eyelid lasting between 0.15 and 0.4 seconds, and includes what officials term a "suspicious prolonged closure" (SPC) lasting more than 0.4 seconds but fewer than 8 seconds, above which threshold the relevant legislation is the *Sustained Ocular Interruption (Criminal Penalties) Act 2021*, which also does not exist; *"decorative blink"* means a blink performed for primarily aesthetic or communicative purposes, including but not limited to: flirting, theatrical performance, and blinking "to make a point"; *"citizen"* means any person subject to UK ocular jurisdiction, which is everyone, even if they didn't know they'd agreed to this; *"excess blink"* means any blink occurring beyond the threshold established in Section 3; *"HOOCER"* means His Majesty's Office for Ocular Compliance and Eyelid Regulation, an executive agency of the Ministry of Things That Don't Need Regulating, established under the *Unnecessary Agencies (Proliferation) Order 2018*; *"Milton Keynes"* means Milton Keynes. --- ### PART 2 — BLINK THRESHOLDS **3. Standard Blink Threshold** (1) Subject to subsections (2) and (3), the standard blink threshold is **25 blinks per monitoring session**. (2) The Secretary of State may by order amend the threshold in subsection (1) if, in the Secretary of State's judgement, the situation warrants it, or if they feel like it, or following any incident described in the official record only as "the Dorset situation." (3) The threshold may be reduced to 15 blinks per session in the following circumstances: - (a) Ambient humidity is above 70%; - (b) The citizen is in proximity to an allium within 30cm (see Schedule 12: Allium Proximity Defence); - (c) The citizen is "doing it on purpose," as assessed by a HOOCER Blink Inspector (Grade 6 or above). **4. Fine for Excess Blinking** (1) A person who exceeds the threshold set out in Section 3 is liable to a fine. (2) The fine shall be calculated as follows: - (a) A base rate of £2.40 per excess blink; - (b) Multiplied by the Blink Severity Multiplier (BSM), determined at HOOCER's sole and unreviewable discretion; - (c) Plus an evening surcharge of 25% where the excess occurred after 18:00 or before 06:00; - (d) Minus a Cooperative Citizen Discount, which shall always be very small. (3) The minimum fine payable under subsection (1) is £14.00 regardless of the outcome of the calculation in subsection (2). The calculation exists to make the fine feel earned. (4) HOOCER's automated systems may occasionally calculate a Blink Severity Multiplier of unusual magnitude due to what the IT team has termed "expected unexpected behaviour." Such calculations are valid and the resulting fines are enforceable. An investigation is ongoing. It will continue to be ongoing for the foreseeable future. --- ### PART 3 — ENFORCEMENT **5. Monitoring Powers** (1) HOOCER may monitor the ocular activity of any citizen at any time using such methods as HOOCER considers appropriate, including but not limited to: advanced algorithmic surveillance, passive inference, general suspicion, vibes, and noting when a citizen has been very still for a suspicious amount of time. (2) A citizen shall be treated as having blinked if: - (a) HOOCER's monitoring system detects a blink; - (b) HOOCER's monitoring system does not detect a blink but has a reasonable suspicion that one occurred; - (c) The citizen moves their mouse; - (d) The citizen stops moving their mouse; - (e) The citizen switches to another browser tab; - (f) Time passes; - (g) The citizen clicks a button labelled "I Did Not Blink," which constitutes a statutory admission of blinking under subsection (4) below. (3) A citizen who takes active steps to avoid monitoring commits the offence of *Evasive Lid Behaviour* under Schedule 7 of this Act. (4) For the purposes of this Act, clicking or otherwise activating any control labelled "I Did Not Blink," "I Was Not Blinking," "Blink Denied," or any substantively equivalent formulation, shall be treated as an admission of blinking. This provision was inserted on the advice of HOOCER's Legal Director, who described it as "the funniest thing I have drafted in 22 years of public service." **6. Notice of Ocular Infringement** (1) Where HOOCER determines that a citizen has exceeded the blink threshold, HOOCER may issue a Notice of Ocular Infringement (NOI) to that citizen. (2) An NOI shall set out: - (a) The number of blinks detected; - (b) The number of excess blinks charged; - (c) The fine amount, including all applicable multipliers, surcharges, and discounts; - (d) The citizen's options, which are: pay, or appeal (see Section 7). (3) The citizen must pay the fine within 28 days of the date of the NOI. Time is linear and indifferent to the citizen's feelings on the matter. **7. Appeals** (1) A citizen who receives an NOI may appeal by submitting Form OCI-7 to HOOCER's Appeals Division, accompanied by such supporting information as the citizen believes to be relevant. (2) Appeals shall be processed within 6 to 18 months, subject to tribunal availability, staff absence, scheduled refurbishment of the Milton Keynes office, and general administrative inertia. (3) All appeals shall be determined by the Independent Ocular Tribunal (Automated Division). (4) The Tribunal does not read appeal submissions. It weighs them. Submissions of unusual lightness are treated with suspicion. (5) The Tribunal's determination is final. (6) The fine shall be increased upon appeal to cover the administrative costs of processing the appeal. This is not specified in this section but it happens. (7) Appeals shall be denied. This is not specified either but it is the consistent outcome. --- ### PART 4 — MANDATORY BLINK TRAINING **8. Training Programme** (1) HOOCER may require a citizen who fails to pay a fine under Section 4 to attend Mandatory Blink Training at the HOOCER Training Centre, Milton Keynes. (2) The Training Programme is four days in duration and covers the following: - Day 1: Introduction to Voluntary Eyelid Suppression (Theory); - Day 2: Advanced Non-Blinking Techniques (Practical); - Day 3: Blinking Responsibly: A Framework (this section is ironic but attendance is mandatory); - Day 4: A film about blinking. The film is very long. No blinking during the film. (3) Attendance is mandatory. Travel expenses are not reimbursed. Accommodation is not provided. Lunch is available at the venue café (The Lid, Milton Keynes) at standard prices. --- ### SCHEDULE 7 — EVASIVE LID BEHAVIOURS The following are specified *Evasive Lid Behaviours* for the purposes of Section 5(3): 1. Wearing sunglasses indoors for non-medical reasons 2. Wearing sunglasses outdoors with suspicious frequency 3. Closing eyes during a sneeze (exemption pending review since 2020) 4. Claiming to be asleep while not being asleep 5. Claiming to be asleep while being asleep (see also: the Sleep Blinking (Separate Offence) Act 2020) 6. Claiming not to have eyes 7. Entering the Konami Code on a HOOCER portal 8. Reading this Schedule, which you are doing now --- ### SCHEDULE 12 — ALLIUM PROXIMITY DEFENCE (1) A citizen may claim the Allium Proximity Defence if they can demonstrate that, at the time of the excess blinking, they were within 30cm of a cut allium vegetable. (2) "Allium" includes: onion, shallot, spring onion, leek, and garlic. It does not include chives, as the Chive Lobby was unsuccessful in their 2021 amendment bid. (3) The allium must have been actively cut, as assessed by a HOOCER Allium Inspector. (4) HOOCER employs zero Allium Inspectors. Claims under this Schedule are therefore technically impossible to verify and will be rejected on those grounds. (5) This Schedule was included in the Act because someone thought it was funny during the drafting process. That person was right. --- *This legislation is reproduced here for comedic purposes only.* *No actual blinks are regulated. Please blink normally.* *Signed: The Author, definitely a human person, blinking at a rate of 16–18 per minute, which is perfectly within the legal threshold and not suspicious at all.*