Staff Dashboard — Week 14
FROM: Director-General, Ocular Compliance | TO: All Staff | DATE: Today
⚠ URGENT — INTRANET EXPOSURE INCIDENT
The intranet is currently publicly accessible. IT is aware. Please do not send any further messages via intranet
containing sensitive information until access has been restored. Please also do not mention the
THE DORSET SITUATION on any channel
visible to the public. If a member of the public asks about
THE DORSET SITUATION on the public portal,
please route to the chatbot, which will not answer.
This memo is not visible to the public because it is on the intranet. The intranet is currently visible to the public.
This memo is therefore visible to the public. I am aware of the irony.
FROM: B. Squint (IT) | TO: All Staff | DATE: 3 weeks ago (still relevant)
Re: Server Migration — Outstanding Issues
Further to my previous memo (which is also visible to the public now, sorry), the server migration introduced
several issues which remain unresolved:
1. The intranet is publicly accessible (see above)
2. The Form Library redirects to a 2019 archived version of itself
3. The Blink Registry reports "total national blinks: ERROR" — this is probably wrong but we can't check
4. The Code 418 compliance dashboard shows figures from Thursday even though it is now
--
5. The printer on floor 3 is still producing pages in Comic Sans regardless of document settings. This began before the migration. I do not know why I included it here. Force of habit.
Ticket reference: HOO-IT-2026-0774. Status: Open for 6 weeks.
Internal Memos — Week 14 (Accessible to public due to ongoing incident)
FROM: Regional Director, South (K. Cornea) | TO: Milton Keynes HQ | DATE: Monday
Code 418 Multiplier Issue — URGENT
I am writing to escalate an issue with the Blink Severity Multiplier (BSM) calculation module.
In the last 48 hours, the BSM has returned values exceeding 200x on 14 separate occasions.
In one case it returned 4,471x, producing a fine of approximately £12,800 for two excess blinks.
The citizen has appealed. The appeal was denied by the Automated Tribunal before they finished typing it.
This is being raised to senior management. I am senior management. I am raising it to the BSM developers.
The BSM developers are
THE DORSET SITUATION contractors and cannot currently be reached.
FROM: Staff Wellness (H. Lid) | TO: All Staff | DATE: Last week
Reminder: Annual Eye Test Vouchers — DO NOT USE HOOCER BLINK DETECTION EQUIPMENT
A reminder that annual eye test vouchers are available from HR. Staff should note that the eye test
must not be conducted using HOOCER's Blink Detection Engine, as this would generate
official monitoring data for the member of staff conducting the test, which would then be subject to
Code 418 enforcement action. This happened to Dave in Q2. Dave's fine has been waived
(exceptional circumstances, HR decision, not a precedent). Dave would like everyone to know it was embarrassing.
Dave is fine. His eyes are fine. His blink record is not fine.
FROM: T. Yelid (Enforcement, Grade 6) | TO: All Enforcement Staff | DATE: Thursday
Van Tracker — GPS Accuracy Note
Following several citizen enquiries about VAN-7's location, I want to clarify: the van tracker
public portal displays the van's position within a
3-kilometre accuracy radius, which is
technically within our published specification of "approximate." The van does not arrive at citizens'
locations. This is expected behaviour. The spec was written to allow for this. I wrote the spec.
I stand by it. I would also note that VAN-7's actual driver, D. Thompson, would like it known
that he is not as lost as the tracker suggests, and that the tracker's "stuck behind a tractor" log
entry was based on a real event and he does not need to be teased about it further.
FROM: Legal Services | TO: Director-General | DATE: Yesterday
Re: Philosophical Appeal TBL-2026-0512 — Potential Precedent Risk
Legal has reviewed the Ocular case (Re: Petition of C. Ocular, Philosophical Grounds) in light of
the Tribunal's determination. We want to flag that while the determination was correct — blinks are
discrete events for legal purposes — the Tribunal's record shows we brought in a Philosophy Consultant.
This may have been a mistake. If the press discovers that HOOCER has a Philosophy Consultant,
even a part-time one, even a one-day-per-fortnight one, this will generate coverage.
We recommend that Dr. P. Squint's role be reclassified on the public register from
"HOOCER Philosophy Consultant" to
"Senior Epistemological Compliance Advisor (Ocular Matters)". This is less funny.
FROM: Margaret C. (Tribunal Chair) | TO: Tribunal Division | DATE: This morning
Personal Note — Crisps
Following Case TBL-2026-0441, I want it on record that I stand by my assessment that the crisps in
question were not particularly strong. I bought the same variety at the shop near the tribunal building.
They were mild. The appellant was wrong about the crisps. I am not wrong about the crisps.
The fine stands partly on procedural grounds and partly because I am confident about the crisps.
This memo should not have been sent to all Tribunal Division staff. Please disregard the last sentence.
Do not discuss the crisps further. The matter is closed. The crisps are mild.
FROM: IT (B. Squint) | TO: All Staff | DATE: Just now
THIS IS NOW VISIBLE TO THE PUBLIC
I just realised all of these memos are now visible to the public because of the intranet thing.
Please stop sending memos until I've fixed it. I'm working on it. Please do not send a memo about
this memo being visible to the public. I can see the irony.
Staff Bulletins — Latest First
🔴 [NEW] Code 418 Compliance Summary — Week 14
Total NOIs issued this week: 47,221. Appeals received: 12,889. Appeals processed: 0 (Tribunal queue).
Appeals denied at intake: 12,889 (all of them). Fine revenue:
hover to reveal.
Outstanding. Status: normal operations.
Posted: Today | Category: Enforcement | Visibility: Staff Only (currently Public)
⚠ [ACTION REQUIRED] Milton Keynes Training Centre — Booking System Down
The Mandatory Blink Training booking system is currently offline. Citizens attempting to book
Blink Training Module BT-7 should be directed to the portal, which will direct them to the booking
system, which is offline. This loop has been generating support tickets at approximately 400/day.
We are aware. Please do not generate further tickets about the loop. Generate tickets about the
underlying system instead. Use reference category HOO-TRAINING-BT7-SYSTEM.
Posted: 3 days ago | Category: Operations | Status: Ongoing
Reminder: Annual Ocular Assessment — Staff Not Exempt
A reminder that HOOCER staff members are subject to Code 418 monitoring in the same way as
members of the public. Staff are not exempt from blink fines. The Director-General is not exempt.
The IT person who made the intranet public is not exempt. The monitoring is automated and does
not distinguish based on employment status. HR has confirmed this. Legal has confirmed this.
The Director-General has asked us not to confirm this further. We are confirming it one final time.
Posted: This week | Category: HR | Views: 0 (staff have read it, they're just pretending they haven't)
Tea Fund — Reminder
The tea fund is currently £4.20 in deficit. Please contribute. The tea fund has been in deficit
since March. The tea fund was managed by
hover to reveal who left in March.
The tea fund management has not been reassigned. The tea has been coming out of Clive's pocket.
Thank you Clive. Please reimburse Clive.
Posted: 6 weeks ago, re-posted every week since | Category: Facilities | Status: Ongoing deficit
Active Disciplinary Notices (visible to public due to IT incident — we are sorry)
⚠ These notices are currently publicly visible. This is not intentional. We are working on it.
The subjects of these notices have been informed. They are not pleased.
DISCIPLINARY NOTICE DN-2026-007 — Grade 7 Officer, Enforcement Division
Matter: Excessive blink frequency during monitored work sessions.
Blinks recorded (7-day period): hover to reveal: 12,440 (well above threshold)
Officer's response: "I work in blink monitoring. The irony is not lost on me."
HR assessment: Response noted. Irony noted. Fine issued. Code 418 does not have an
irony exemption. The irony exemption was proposed during the Act's drafting and rejected on the grounds
that it would be used too often.
Status: Under appeal. Appeal expected outcome: denied.
DISCIPLINARY NOTICE DN-2026-011 — B. Squint, IT Division
Matter: Making the staff intranet publicly accessible during server migration.
Impact: Internal memos, disciplinary records, and staff tools are visible to the public.
This page is visible to the public. This notice is visible to the public. B. Squint is aware.
Mitigating circumstances: The server migration was a procurement decision above B. Squint's pay grade.
B. Squint flagged the risk. The risk was acknowledged via a box-tick. The box was ticked by someone who no longer
works here. Their leaving gift was a mug. The mug is still on the shelf.
Status: Formal warning issued. B. Squint is fixing it as fast as he can. Please be patient.
DISCIPLINARY NOTICE DN-2026-014 — Tribunal Chair M. Cornwell
Matter: Sending a divisional memo about crisps.
Details: A memo titled "Personal Note — Crisps" was distributed to 47 members of the Tribunal Division.
The memo was about salt and vinegar crisps. The memo was classified OFFICIAL. This was incorrect.
Crisps are not an OFFICIAL matter. The correct classification would have been UNCLASSIFIED or possibly
NOT A MEMO, IT'S A PERSONAL NOTE ABOUT CRISPS.
M. Cornwell's response: "They were mild. I stand by it."
Status: Formal note on record. The crisps matter is considered closed.
Code 418 — Live Enforcement Status
HOOCER CODE 418 ENFORCEMENT DASHBOARD
STATUS: ● ACTIVE NATIONWIDE
REGIONS UNDER CODE 418: 12 / 12
DAILY NOI TARGET: 40,000
DAILY NOI ACTUAL: 0
VARIANCE: calculating...
BSM STABILITY: UNSTABLE — SEE MEMO FROM REGIONAL DIRECTOR, SOUTH
APPEAL DENIAL RATE: 100%
TRIBUNAL QUEUE DEPTH: 12,889 cases
NEXT TRIBUNAL SESSION: 14–18 months
VAN-7 STATUS: EN ROUTE (ETA: PENDING)
Code 418 was introduced under powers in the Ocular Regulation and Eyelid Governance Act 2019.
It is the primary enforcement instrument for all blink-related infringements. As of Q1 2026,
Code 418 has generated -- in fine revenue against a projected
£2.4 billion. The gap is attributed to a payment portal outage
(ongoing since March 2024), general public non-compliance with fine notices, and the
operational effectiveness of the chatbot being, as one internal review described it,
"thorough but non-resolving."
Today's Statistics — Live (visible to public, we know)
Real-time blink statistics for today:
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